Unkle Munky Pg 137
Unkle Munky is now available, without the ads, here >>> ---- *Artist - Miike Snow. *Song - Black & Blue. *Videos prone to removal. ---- Pull Yourself Together Brian from Market Drayton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding manic depressives? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Brian, I did indeed receive said email. Trials carried out on my mate Dave lead me to conclude that the phrase 'Pull yourself together' is not the worst thing that you can say to a manic depressive. The phrase 'You smell' appears to provoke a far more hostile reaction. I hope this helps. And now, if you don't mind, Dave's stomach needs pumping. Good day. 'Unkle Munky asks -' Mary, have you seen the foot pump that came with my Space Hopper anywhere? Hello? ---- Advertisement ---- Awkward Question Anne from Fyffe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My four year old toddler keeps asking where babies come from. What can I tell him? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Anne, This is a tough one. I’ll get back to you after I’ve spoken to my mum. Linda replies - Oh fer god’s sake! ---- Nana States She states the bleedin' obvious... Usually This Week: '''Surviving the Winter on a State Pension. Nana States - Here are a few tips to help elderly people survive the winter on a State Pension. *Save on fuel bills by overstaying your welcome at the homes of relatives and friends. *Abuse your free bus pass. Find a comfortable seat at the back of a warm bus and stay there all day. *Avoid paying bills by appearing senile. Answer any queries regarding said debts with the phrase, “I’m 75 ya know?” *Steal your neighbours milk. No one will ever suspect an OAP of such a despicable act. Ease your guilty conscience by returning the empty bottles to the doorstep from where they were taken. *Realise the moneymaking potential of your stairlift by charging local children a minimum of fifty pence a ride. 'Unkle Munky says -' Ahem. Thank you Nana. Perhaps you should have a little nap now? ---- On Reflection Alan from Kendall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I might be a vampire. What can I do? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Alan, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life. Perhaps it's time you grabbed a mirror and took a long hard look at yourself!? Alan replies - But I can’t look into mirrors, Munky? 'Unkle Munky enquires -' Why ever not? Alan says - ‘Cause I’m a vampire. 'Unkle Munky sighs -' Oh fer fuck’s sake… ---- Munky's Contemplations This week: Munky contemplates the Art Deco movement... ---- Fancy Dress Davina from Bracknell asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I’m going to a Xmas-themed fancy dress party tonight and was wondering if you had any suggestions? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Davina, It can be quite chilly at this time of the year, so I would suggest that you wrap up warm. Davina replies - What the fuc… I meant, do you have any suggestions as to what I might go as? Oh forget it, Munky! *Pictured: Davina's fancy dress costume. As suggested by Unkle Munky. ---- Wig Query Ivan from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding the wearing of wigs in a court of law? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ivan, I did indeed receive said email. As to your question: I can confirm that the wearing of wigs by judges in a court of law is no longer compulsory. Should you insist on sporting such an item, however, I would suggest that you opt for the tradition style rather than the monstrosity currently residing on your head. 'Unkle Munky adds -' You may also be interested to note, Ivan, that the wearing of fake moustaches is NOT mandatory either. Ivan replies - Huh? Fake moustache? What fake moustache!? ---- Amy Knitwear's Top Tips 'Unkle Munky says -' I followed this 'handy tip' last year, Ms. Knitwear, and, as a result, accidentally gave my turkey away! I for one shall be using traditional wrapping paper! Good day! Amy Knitwear replies - Please yourself what ya do, ya smelly pratt. 'Unkle Munky splutters -' What the...? Disgraceful behaviour for the yuletide season! ---- Online Xmas Shopping Advice Joseph from Bethlehem asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I’m currently doing my Xmas shopping online. It’s going very well, but I can’t help but feel that I’m missing out on the festive atmosphere. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Joseph, Many shopping centres now boast Wi-Fi. Why not take your laptop into town and experience the best of both worlds? 'Joseph replies -' But doesn’t that defeat the object, Munky? Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Next problem please… ---- Unkle Munky is now available, without the ads, here >>> ---- Next... Previous... More Munky Here>>> Munky's Twitterings>>>